A Step Forward Calls for Something New

July 28th, 2008 - Aug 12th, 2011
Three years of blogging.
Three years of venting.
Three years of struggling life.
Three years of remembering.
Three years of fun.
Three years of laughing.
Three years of crying.
Three years of running.
Three years of fan girlness.
Three years of sitting.
Three years of typing.

Here's to Three years well spent.

Moving to a new phase.
Moving to a new place.
Moving away.
Moving forward.
Moving.
Moving.
Moving.
Moving.
Moving on.

Continue to follow my life on my new blog.
A Step Forward Calls for Something New.

Process

Eaven has been thinking lately.
"a Dangerous Past time!"
"I Know!"
but all the same. I know what I am going to do with my life right now, but as soon as I get over with this part, I really don't know. Am I going to move back? Am I going to go back to USU? Will I stay down there? Will I marry? Will I pay off my debt?
These thoughts sort of snuck up on me.
I was not ready for them.
But now they are here.
And now I am thinking about them.
*sigh*

thrice, three, san

Packing, Packing, Packing!
I love it when boxes are already packed and we only need to stack them in the garage!
"they're in the Gar-ra-ge!" hehe love the movie

Sherlock! What an amazing show! Only three episodes right now, watch it! Watch it! watch it!
there is not a new Young Justice yet. *sigh*
I love the wind, running, ice cream, sleeping, Percy Jackson, The Lost Hero (Son of Neptune this fall!), Harry Potter (which is going to end... again!), my family, my friends, my life, and ... pretty much everything!

I love Percy Jackson.

And I love Jason Grace.

Pretty much anything Percy I love. 

Have you read any of the 5 Percy Jackson and the Olympian books? Or the Hero's of Olympus (right now there is only one)?

If not.... What are you reading this for!? Go read them now!

untitled

Moving...

On my own
with no one else beside me

the Lost Hero

Forbidden truth

Hidden meanings

confusion of feelings
of thoughts
of meanings

indecision.

Uncertainty

What would I do if everything I knew, suddenly changed?
Would I step up and finally do everything I know I should be doing? would I sit down and cry?
There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a knot of anxiety. This is not at all the comfortable feeling of peace I wish for, but then again it is nothing at all like the fear and hatred I feel toward myself when I do something I know I should not. It is just fear.
"Be still, and know that I am God."  - Psalms 48:10
God always has a plan for me. He will watch out for me. I will believe on him. I will trust him.

My Life is a Gift

Trying to start studying is the hardest part of actually studying.
I have to put everything aside, and work on just the thing I need to, even though BOOK I really would rather PHONE!do other things like FACEBOOK take a nap or even BLOG do the dishes.
There are so many things I would rather be doing other than homework, but when I actually buckle down and do it I feel so much better about myself. Maybe I should just take baby steps, and start with typing my notes and then maybe I will get somewhere after that!
Well since I am already procrastinating.... I was thinking the other day. ("a dangerous past-time!" "I know!" - Beauty and the Beast)
Any man I meet, could become the one. That boy at dance class could be the one I spend eternity with ( I don't think so, but hey you never know!) Or maybe that one kid that I saw at work once. God only knows.
That is why I have decided, unless I think I could marry someone, I do not want to be in a more than friends relationship at all. Dates are fine, and mostly for fun and getting to know people better anyway, but to have a boyfriend is a rather large commitment and I do not want to break anyone's heart if I don't have to. (Though my mom does often tell me that boys can't help but fall in love with me.... :)

Sometimes it feels like life and love is all a big game of chance, and if I end up with the one I should will only happen if I get all 6's.
But I know it is not.
"My life is a gift,
My Life has a plan,
My life has a purpose
in Heaven it began.
My choice was to come
To this lovely home on earth
And seek for God's light
To Direct me from Birth.

I will follow God's plan for me
Holding fast to his words and his love.
I will work
and I will pray
I will always walk in his way
And I will be happy on earth
And in my home above."

LDS Children's Songbook pg 164

Of Safety and Such

Piccaso face for Art class

I just can't get enough of how well this picture turned out! I really love it quite a lot!
Well today my room is clean. Beautiful and clean. I love it! I cleaned my sheets, did my homework, watched the first half of My Fair Lady, got bored, turned it off. Clay came over, nearly died because my brothers were smoothering him. Finished my homework, did some dishes, now I am ready to watch People Will Talk with Cary Grant.
I have seen it once before, and it is nearly as good, if not as good, as the Happiest Millionaire.
Old movies are the best.
They don't have and of the nasty things today's movies do. I feel very safe when I watch a black and white movie.
I also feel safe when I am warm, when I am in my bed, when I get a hug from my mom after a long day. There is nothing like being safe.
And when you are safe, then you are able to progress up the triangle.
I have been using this triangle quite a bit in my child guidance class. And It makes a lot of sense to me as well.
Child Guidance (though I hate going, simply because I would like be asleep) is my favorite class. I love learning about how to keep yourself moving, how to help myself be better so that I can help my children and my students some day.

Found.

Finding a patter in life can be difficult when everything around does not fit together.
but according to the System's theory, Humans need patterns to function properly.
How can I bring a pattern into my life now, with everything changing every week?

I don't know where my boots are
and that makes me really sad.


I want to cry my eyes out
But that would make me feel bad.


I found my boots in my chair
resting for a while


And now I wear my boots all day
no longer feeling vile!


Aliana was walking around the feilds by her home when she heard a terrible screaming roar. She dropped to the ground, afraid the dragons were attacking. But when nothing happened for several minutes She brought her head up, looking around.
She heard the noise again and picked herself up. Crouching to avoid detection, she scurried through the forest.
Once again the noise sounded, though it was weaker. She was sure she was close.
She ran out from behind a tree, but quickly a towering red dragon glowering over a smaller violet dragon who was laying on her side, feebly trying to fend off the red dragon.
Aliana reached for her arrow, stringing her bow, then took aim.
She was ready to kill this red dragon, though she knew it would be difficult. Then the wind changed and the red dragon's head jerked in her direction.
That was all the violet dragon needed. She stroke, her jaws wrapped around the oppressing dragon's neck.
Aliana watched and the red dragon fought the violet one, then slowly grew weaker, and finally stopped all together.
The violet dragon unclenched her jaws and the red dragon fell to the ground, dead.
She shuddered to the ground, her tail flopping uselessly.
Aliana bit her lip, her conscience told her to flee, but her curiosity chided her.
You will never get another chance to see a dragon up close like this!
Aliana took a deep breath and moved out of the thicket toward the dragon.
The dragon's breath was heavy and labored. She touched it and jerked her hand back. The scales felt as if they were on fire!
The violet dragon lifted it's lip in a silent snarl.
Aliana moved away, then cautiously moved toward the dragon's head.
She knelt before the dragon and cast her eyes at the ground, extending her hand, palm facing the sky.
The dragon made a noise in it's throat then snaked it's head forward.
Aliana trembled as its nostrils flared right by her hand, exhaling a snort of warm breath.
She closed her eyes and put her hand on the dragon's snout.
It let her hand rest there, then pulled away, laying it's head down on the ground.
The dragon had it's eyes fixed on Aliana.
When she looked up the dragon glanced at her closed claws then at Aliana, then back at her claw again.
The dragon's eyes fluttered briefly.
Aliana looked around. She couldn't leave it here, especially if there was another dragon around like that dead red one.
She took her bow and shot two arrows up into the sky, one after another, a signal she and her mother had developed to tell her mother that she needed her.
She sat for a half hour, soothing the dying dragon. she shot three more signals before her mother came.
Her mother was running up the hill, "Daughter! Are you hurt?" she called breathlessly.
Ariana shook her head. "No I am fine, but... the dragon." she guestured to the violet dragon.
Her mother hesitated. " You remembered it is a wild animal?"
"Yes."
"and you treated the wild animal as I taught you?"
"With the respect of submitting to a master."
Her mother nodded. "Good, lets see what we can do to help this beast."
Aliana moved toward the dragon. Her mother balked as she was the red dragon. But as Aliana moved toward the violet dragon, her mother relaxed.
Aliana noticed but didn't say anything.
"What can we do?" She asked her mother.
Her mother sighed after she inspected the dragon.
"I am afraid there is nothing we can do."
"What do you mean?" Aliana said, worried.
"She is dying. She can't make it much longer." her mother shook her head.
aliana rocked back on her heels, her face falling. "Are you certain?"
"I am sorry m y dear. but she has only moments left."
"Is there any comfort we can give her?"
"I am not certain." her mother sighed again and put a hand on Aliana's shoulder.
The dragon's eyes fought for Aliana's attention.
Aliana sadly looked at the dragon. "I'm sorry I can't do more to help you." she whispered.
The dragon blinked once then looked at it's claw again.
Aliana noticed a glint from inside the claw.
There was something cradled under there!
Aliana crawled forward and moved the claws away. The dragon snarled weakly.
She jerked back her hand, making soothing clicking noises with her tongue. She reached forward and stroked the dragon's claw.
The dragon sighed sadly and relinquished it's grip as life faded from it's eyes.
Aliana moved the paw away and gasped, picking up the treasure.
She tenderely held an egg in her arms.
"Mother, look." she said quietly.
Her mnother reached forward and stroked the egg, her eyes soft in wonder.
"Aliana, you've found a precious treasure."

"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the Moon."

"Life as we know it does not stand still."

Children constantly bring surprise. Jesus gather children around and their tongues were loosed and they spoke marvelous things. I am of the opinion that Children today often have their tongues loosed.
The expression "Out of the mouths of babes..." is very true. children say things we know are true but do not want to admit.
Do not underestimate a child.
After all, Michael Jordan was kicked off of his Jr. High basketball team, and now look where he is.

Not only can children surprise in their knowledge of things, but their emotional intelligence is often beyond that of adults. As they grow older, adults tend to over-complicate and over-think many things in their lives and they take away the ease that was known as a child. Somehow Children get everything they need finished and still have hours of play. Granted they have much less to do, but much of what they do, even chores, are considered play.
I remember when I was young, my best friend and I would have 'Slave time.' We would go to her house or my house and do hard labor (ie. scrub the floors with a scrub brush, clean the tops of the cupboards), and all the while we were imagining.
Work does not have to be hard and flavorless. Maybe imagining yourself as a princess who is forced to clean the castle does not appeal to you, well, then don't do that. Maybe just pretend you are having fun. Pretend you are the worlds best singer and turn on some music as loud as you want and belt it out as you work.
When you feel self-conscience just remember... "When in doubt, Fake 'em out!" Act like you are the Belle of the ball and you will be, everyone will see you that way.
Act as if you have all the confidence in the world, you will gain it.
"When ever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune, and no one will suspect I'm afraid." - The King and I.
Do not set limits for yourself. Goals are great, but make sure you remind yourself that you can work past your goals.
I leave you with a final quote from an unlikely source.

"It's amazing what one can accomplish when one doesn't know what one can do." - Garfeild.

Again, What is Art?

So What is Art again?
I want to expound on this topic, some more.


This is the original post.

According to Google Art is the product of human creativity.
So, according to this definition, Monkey's cannot make art. In my art class, we talked about a monkey that made art and they had an entire show full of this art. But Google says this monkey cannot make art. In my previous post, I did not research what art is.
But an Art History Website says that art does not have a satisfactory definition.
Britannica Encyclopedia says art is "a visual object or experience consciously created through an expression of skill or imagination."
My friend Joe says "Art is something which you create using some sort of medium ... which present an idea or emotion in a symbolic fashion which can be intelligibly communicated to the audience or viewer in a meaningful way."

In my previous post, I did not research what art is. But after looking at just a few opinions of what art is, I have changed my opinion. I did not have a real opinion before. But now I do.

Art is something created, whether by nature or man, to inspire and to instigate some sort of feeling in someone else.

Google. Google, - . Google. Web. 24 Jan. 2011.

Witcombe, Christopher. Art History. Sweet Briar College, - 1997. Google. Web. 24 Jan. 2011.

Britannica Academic Edition. Encyclopædia Britannica, - . Google. Web. 24 Jan. 2011. 

F, Joe. Web. 17 Jan. 2011.

The Way It 'Should Be'

This video was shown towards the end of my art class. (minus the spanish subtitles) But really. What is art?
I don't have an answer.
Art is in the eye of the beholder. To me, even scattered papers over the ground can be art. But to to ohers, it must have a purpose. Art cannot be accidental.
I had a creative arts teacher who said when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade he drew a picture and made the sky purple and the grass blue. He took the picture to his teacher, expecting praise. She took one look at it and shook her head.
She stood up in front of the class room and held the picture up for all the students to see.
"this is not art." and she proceeded to rip the picture and throw it into the garbage, right there, in front of everyone.
So to her, everything must be the way it should be, but then that brings up the discussion of 'how do we know what should be?'
People thought the world was flat, that was the way it 'should be' until someone proved to them that the earth was round, then that was the way it 'should be.'
There is no right answer. There is no "this is art, and this is not."

for some this can be art
<======
for others only this is art =====>
so what is it really?
What is art?

Question Authority

I got a letter from one of my best friends yesterday. :) I thought she had just forgotten to write to me!
Being organized... really makes me feel good.
Having a schedule is a powerful thing, now sticking to that schedule is even more powerful.
Sometimes I wonder about my life and what  I can do differently, then just toss it out the window.
But there is a quote I found one day...
"He who tries will never know the sorrow of one who never triumphed or failed."
I don't know how well I can do in school because I have never tried my hardest.
I don't know how great my piano can be because I have never practiced my hardest.
How many other people are like me?
Knowing they can be better but never trying because they are afraid they will fail?
I wonder why I try to sabotage myself...
Maybe I am so confused because I have never tried to fight for what I want. or for what I think I want. I would rather just sit back and let life go it's course.
But I can't do that.
Nope. If I want to be happy, I will do what I know I need to do no matter what the cost.

Revelation

well, I've started.
I am going to get into math 1050 next semester even if I have to work everyday over winter break to get there!
And I know that I can do this, even if I really don't want to.
And I know something else now.
Being a well rounded person is not a bad thing.
It is ok if I need to learn math. It can't take anything away from me. It can only help me.
I am so thankful for inspiration and discernment, they are such blessings in my life.
There are so many things I would be lost of if I did not have those two things.
I am also thankful for my mother. :) on Fruits Basket Toru is talking to her mother and says "But mommy, I was born to be with you."
And I was, I was born to be with my mom until that time that I am ready to be with someone else.
Well, time to get organized.

Promise

So remember how running is contagious? or just a love of running.
Anyway, I showed my dad the right way to run, and he tried it out on his own. He decided he was just going to go a 1/4 of a mile, but before he knew it, he had gone for 1/2 a mile, all while running. He hasn't been able to do that before!
Then today I got my mom to run around the block with me, and even though her throat hurt when we were done she couldn't seem to stop running.
Maybe they don't love it yet, but hopefully a love will grow. Maybe I will be able to run with my family!
But then I also wonder.... What if they develop the love of running that I am working so hard to forge? I want to love running. When I am not running I love it. But when I run, I can't seem to find the place when I can run comfortably, when I can just go and not have to think about anything until 10 miles later when I need a drink of water.
I don't want to run with anyone, I want to figure out how I run on my own with out having to worry about how fast I am going when I will be home if someone wants to talk or if I am talking to much. I can't seem to find a way to do this.
I should just go one day. Just go. I wish it would rain. I wish my shoes would come. I wish I wish I wish. I will do this. I don't care how long it takes, I will run 42 miles consecutively.

Sleeping = Good

Second post today.

Last night I could not fall asleep. I was lying awake in bed for an hour before I finally fell asleep, and once I did I had a dream about a guy I knew.

Then when I woke up and went running I felt so AMAZING!

I was running all over the house, and when it was time for work I was so happy. I went to work and did not even notice my feet hurting... until my running high ran out. Then I was so lethargic and in pain I could barely even function!

I guess getting up early after not getting enough sleep is not a very good combination.

What happened? I used to love school!

"But after years of rote memorization and drills, what were once intellectually excited and motivated five-year-olds have become bored or grade-obsessed teenagers. Their thrill over accomplishing real tasks and exhibiting real skills is replaced with anxiety over upcoming tests and a concern for high grades." - http://www.engines4ed.org/hyperbook/nodes/NODE-69-pg.html

My brother is so excited to be in school. He is in first grade right now. I have another brother who is a freshman in high school. Sometimes he would rather be shot in the foot then go to school.

So what has happened?

Why is school such a chore when it used to be a joy?

There's many reasons.

I am only going to talk about one today.

Standardized tests.

On the surface, these tests are very good. Every test is the same, every child has the same test, the same grade expectations and the same opportunity to get reach those expectations. But that is the problem with the standardized tests. Every child is NOT the same. Each child is their own person, they learn in different ways. A child is not a blank slate.

Blank Slate is "the idea that the human mind has no inherent structure and can be inscribed at will by society or ourselves" - Steven Pinker

Well I disagree. We each have an identity. No one person is like the next. If this is true for adults, how can it not be the same for children? Identity is "the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another" (dictionary.com) If children were blank slates then standardized testing would be marvelous. Each child would be born as if they were a robot, a computer just waiting to be programed. When the reached the age of 5 they would go to school and teachers would all need to have PhD's in computer science in order to be able to program them correctly. By the time they reached high school age they would be perfect children, always doing what they were told, getting perfect scores on every test, never throwing spit balls at a teacher. Every student would graduate, with honors even, and then, when they turned 18, they would emerge into society and finally become capable adults.

But, fortunately, this is not the case. Mothers often compare their children, saying things like: "he never cried when he was a baby." "she was so fussy!" "he's a mama's boy!" Why do children have these different behaviors? Why aren't all children fussy, or quiet? Why don't all children sleep through the night? Because all children are different. There is no norm among humanity, at any age. the definition of Normal is "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural." (dictionary.com) not abnormal. But, not one person on the face of this planet is the same as the next. so how can normal even exist? I guess then I could quote the Incredible's. "Everyone's special, Dash." "Yeah, which is another way of saying no one is." Yet everyone is special. not even identical twins are the same.

So, if no one is the same as someone else, why are schools giving standardized test, which are all the same, to students? I think they are under the deluded impression that all students are the same and will respond to the test in the same way, and respond to the pressure of taking a test in the same way, and give the same answers as the next kid because children are all the same.

NEWSFLASH!

They're not.

reward

A blog. What is a blog

To Be Or Not To Be.

Hamlet had this thing with death, which I don't quite understand.

you know, I can think of no greater reward than to die. To know that my mission on this earth is fufilled and I get to go and live in heaven with my Heavenly Father... There is no greater reward than that.

the Unsinkable Molly Brown

to the world, she was on top of the world. but to her, She was at her lowest. Molly Brown realized that material things do not bring her happiness. Spiritual things do.

In institute today we talked about the signs of Christ's birth and death.

I knew all of the signs, and I knew how devastating some were.

I did not know what some of them meant.

Three Days Of Darkness.

In the scriptures it says that the darkness was vapor like. You could not even light a candle. But why three days? and why darkness. Why not something else. I have always associated the darkness with Christ's death, but I didn't realize how much.

D&C 88:7-13

"7 Which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by whih it was made.

"8 As also he is in the moon, and is the light of the moon, and the power thereof by which it was made...

"11 And the light which shineth, which gieveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings."

It was dark because the Light was gone. Christ was dead. "I am the light of the world." The light of the world was gone.

Another interesting thing we spoke about was verse 11. The light of Christ was gone. Was faith gone? Did the believers still believe?

Children are afraid of the dark. Some adults are afraid of the dark. It is supposedly an irrational thing to be scared of. When in the dark, the first thing I look for is a light. Any light. Even if it is the light on the smoke detector or the stars on my celling.

When we are in our darkest hour, we look for the light of Christ. We look for the Light.

In 3 Nephi 10:13 it says, toward the bottom "Neither were they overpowered by the vapor of smoke and of darkness."

In Helamen 5, the prison was falling down. But in the center was a ring of fire, and the missonaries were protected from the darkness and shakings. The people asked, "What must we do that this cloud of darkness may be removed from us?" Do you know what they are told? To Repent and Cry unto the Lord.

repent= change.

The people were not overpowered by the vapor because they had been converted.

What is the difference between a testimony and conversion?

Testimony

- Is to know something

- is to be convinced of the truth

- is to know and declare

- talk about faith.

Conversion

- is to become something

- is to be changed (repent)

- to do, to become, I am.

- to be faithful.

"it is not enough to go through the motions. We have to become what our Heavenly Father wants us to become."

A D?

Sometimes when everything is going well, we forget about the bad things. Even if they still have not been solved.
sometimes being philosopical is as easy as saying "Leave Your Message At The Sound Of The Tone."
Well Why are you telling me?
that teacher gave a D on last weeks homework
she said "Miss Sally Brown
your grades are going down!"
I should have told her

Your new philosophy

My new philosopy.
"Miss B?"
"I'm she."
"look see."
"A D?"
"A D."
"Well Why are you telling me?"
and that's my new philosophy. :D

For some reason, my favorite characters die.
I do not like that.
Not in every book I read, but in many... they die.
L.A.M.E.
HAHA!
FINE
Freaked out
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional
the italian job.

Every time I bring that up my aunt makes sure to tell me, "they are making a brazilian job with the same characters!"

Nothing to say. Just bored. Waiting for class to start. I should have brought my compy.
I want to write a story.

Just Do It.

Sometimes I can be obsessive.

Many of my friends have recognized this. And if they haven't, I guess they will.

Sometimes, I think it can be a good thing. If I want something done, that I want to do, I will do it. normally in just a few days.

But I don't like it.

I want to be able to pace myself, save things for later, cherrish what I have not.

I know I can do it. But for some reason, even though I want to, I don't want to at the same time.

When I start a book, I want to finish it. I want to finish it now. I want to know what happens.

When I start a show, I want to see what happens, I want to have it finished.

And in the middle of these obsessive bouts I think of what else I could be doing, of how I want to save it, of how I don't want to waste my life.

but what do I do?

Waste my life.

I am kind of scared to start something new because I know I won't do anything else.

but if I don't start new things what am I doing with my life.

Wasting it.

I am stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place.

Maybe I should ask for help.

Maybe I should start something and then ask someone to make me stop after so much time.... that could be good.

Maybe it would work.

When I do things obsessive I get mean. I treat my family rudely and I don't want to do anything til it is done.

I don't do anything.

I want to do something.

Something fun.

something not fun.

something I love

something I hate.

I want to do something new, something I have never done before and do it, whether I like it or not. I want to just do it.

The thing is, If I don't want to do it, I won't do it.

I have nothing to motivate myself. And if I give myself a reward I don't do it.

My birthday is on thursday.

that is my deadline.

For what?

Practicing.

Pacing myself.

Cooking.

Becoming a better person.

Doing the right thing.

Doing my homework.

Drawing.