Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Mists of Darkness

"You can see that this broken soul is bleeding, so you can see your feelings inside yourself and wander through my heart, letting you see through me now only consumes me, forget your pain and watch me fall apart." -Pages, 3 Doors Down

I don't know what that means, but it seems to go with how I am feeling right now.
I am so tired. I was stupid and went to see the midnight showing of Harry Potter (Which was BEAWESOME!) and so now I am tired. I took a nap before I went, a rather long nap. Then I got plently of sleep last night but...

"Everything is gonna be alright, Everythiing is gonna be all right, Everything is Gonna Be alright, be strong, Believe!" - Believe, Yellowcard.

Thank You, Heavenly Father!

The other night I was just crying, wanting everything to just be over, wanting to just sleep and wake up to find that everything was easy and how it should be. That is not what happened. That is never what happens. Problems don't just go away, there is not a "easy button." You can't live on the easy. You can only surrvive. "I don't want to surrvive. I want to Live!"- Wall-e
The other night I was so tired and just wanted to go to sleep, but I told myself that I was going to read my scriptures. So I got out the Ensign and picked the first short talk I found.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. By Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy.

Faith. I didn't think that I needed to read something about Faith. I needed something about how to solve problems! But I read it anyway.
"There is no other thing in which we can have absolute assurance. there is no other foundation in life that can bring the same peace, joy, and hope. In uncertain and difficult times, faith is truly a spiritual gift worthy of our utmost efforts."
What? Having Faith will give me peace, joy, and hope? We can have absolute assurance in Faith?! I thought faith was knowing something is true without actually seeing it or witnessing how it works?
"There is a quality of faith which develops as we focus all of our heart, might, mind, and strength. It is seen and felt in the eyes of
a great missionary,
A Valiant and virtuous young woman,
and righteous mothers,
father,
and grandparents.
It can be seen in the lives of individuals young and old, in every land and culture, speaking every language, in every circumstance and station in life. It is the 'eye of faith' spoken of by the prophet Alma (see Alma 5:15-26)-- the ability to focus and be steadfast, continually holding fast to true principles, nothing wavering, even when the mist of darkness confronting us is exceedingly great. This quality of faith is exceedingly powerful."
Nothing Wavering, even when the mist of darkness confronting us is exceedingly great.
The mists of Darkness are very deep and dark for me right now. Not only am I doing something I have never done in my entire life, but I am doing something FIRST.
In institute we talked about how Eve was the first. the first mother, first grandmother, the first mother to have her child kill another of her children. The first woman to have a fight with her husband, the first woman to teach her children the gosple.
Now I am not the first mother, or the first of something huge like the mother of the world, but I feel like I can somewhat understand Eve. She did not have anyone to look too, for an example, or for idea's about her calling. Now I don't have anyone to look to, to tell me how to pay for college, or how to pay for food, or how to live the rest of my life. No one to look to for idea's about how to start something so scary.
I wonder how many nights Eve sat up crying, wondering how she was going to do it? How many times did she feel discouraged, like she could not do this? or that someone else would be better at this job than she? I wonder if it was as many as I have?
Heavenly Father is amazing. Even when we are at the depths of dispare, he will still help us, if we will ask for his help. He will wrap his arms around you and hold you, enveloping you in the peacefullness of his love and comfort.

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