Conflicting Desires

When I get angry, everything that I should be angry about comes crashing down on me and I feel like I am stuck in the mud and no one is around to pull me out. I am mad an everyone and the stupid things they do no matter hwo small. like yesterday, some stupid people were texting and talking the ENTIRE music group meeting. I wanted to take thier phones away and break them in half. it is times like those that I am way glad I can't text. but now that I have seen other people from the perspective of not texting I realize that texting is not for conversation.. it is for question. it is not to take the place of actually face to face talk, but for a boredom vent. anyway.. I got WAY mad at stupid people yesterday and then I rembebered what one of my friends is doing right now that makes me sad and angry .. but in actuality does not bother me at all. I had multiple people try to cheer me up, and I have discovered that I LOVE my hair to be played with. so please, when ever it is down feel free to run your fingers through my hair. :D
Another reason I am so discouraged is... all... ALL of my close friends that I have had, are not so close anymore. I NEVER go without a close friend, a best friend. and now my two bestest friends in the entire world have either been taken out of my life or taken themselves out of my life and it hurts. it leaves a gigantic hole the size of space, and space never ends. I am empty. I feel like I can't go on. The only thing I can do is pray and hope that now is the time for me to make some new friends or for my best friends to come back. but for one of them, they can't, being at school. The other might, but I can't tell just yet.
i have only just realized this. When I am scared I am going to lose my friend, or think my friendship is secure, I push them away. I don't mean too. i try not too. but that is waht I do and I am trying to stop. and now that I am trying to get them back... neither one is available. and ... i am left alone in the darkness.
When the lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. now I just have to find the window, but I have lost my map, my guides, and my companions. so I guess I will just wander aimlessly until I find it.

I want to say yes
but my heart says no
I want to just cry
but the tears won't flow

I wish I could know
What I just can't say
What it really comes down too
At the end of the day

When I look back
hour after hour
there's somethin' not right
Somethin' don't flow

I can't spell it out
i can't write it down
I've tried everything
except for sound

and I now I'm tryin'
something new
I really hope it tells me
what to do.

Well nothing seems right
It all seems wrong

no matter what I do
I can't go on
knowing that we have
ruined our song

Everything I
have tried to be
Has come around
and jumped over me

I have tried to find
the answer to this prayer
but everything
is up in the air

our lives are
different
they're not the same
they can't ever be the same again

everything I try
goes up in smoke
everything you try is
shoved down your throat

It's like the world is
dragging us down
it won't stop till
we're out of town

But I have decided
I won't be stopped
i can do this thing
i can still try

no matter what I will not lay down and die
you an't pull me down any more
I feel likemy feet are up off of the floor
wings take me up in glorious flight
I'll find me dream
i'll bring it to you
and there is nothing that we aren't able to do!